Your Relationship with Your Other Kids: Graduate Student Parents

by Maya Mirsky

“Mama. Mama. Play train tracks.”

A little voice is coming from somewhere down by my elbow as I’m typing, and there’s a hand tugging on my sleeve.

“Play train tracks.”

I sigh, stop typing, pause,then turn back to my computer, only to leave it again when the little voice pipes up once more.

If this sounds like a hard way to get through grad school, it is. But it isn’t unusual. This sort of situation is normal for the hundreds of graduate students that go to UC Berkeley and parent on the side – or the other way round. And that’s really the issue. How does a parent do a decent job at parenting and still stay fully focused on their academic career?

What comes first?

While some parents may claim to do it all,any honest graduate student parent will tell you that they cannot make the same commitment to their studies that an unencumbered student can.

For one thing,Berkeley isn’t designed with families in mind. The school’s official memo on Graduate Council Student Parent Policies trumpets the fact that it updates a 1998 memo. But the update itself is dated 2003-2004. “The Graduate Council recognizes that parenting is a very time-intensive task,” it reads. Good to know. Now what?

John Schwenkler, 26, is a third-year graduate student in philosophy and has a 7-month-old son, Jack. “Be aware that it’s not the most parent-friendly place to be,” he said.“You don’t realize how much life as a graduate student is life as a single,or at least childless, graduate student,” he said. “It’s extremely hard to go to a seminar that ends at 6 p.m.,” Schwenkler said. He added that going out afterwards with friends from school to bond over a beer is even less likely to happen.

And while friendly faculty make it easier,the course schedule can’t be altered. “It is striking,the number of things we do where the timing is structured for people who don’t have a child at all, or who have a lot of childcare,” said Schwenkler.

Julia Olmstead, a classmate of mine at the Graduate School of Journalism, agrees that the environment is not particularly supportive. “They imagine you have all the time in the world,” she said.

Olmtead is working on her second master’s (she studied sustainable agriculture and plant breeding at Iowa State) and her husband is also getting his master’s at Berkeley, in public policy. Although neither works regular office hours,they have little time outside school. “I thought if we were both students we’d have flexibility,” said Olmstead.“But that hasn’t been the case.”

But even when there is time to work,many parents can’t just switch into academic mode. Schwenkler said he noticed he can’t get as engrossed in his work as he used to. “My mind has to be where my son is,not where my work is,” he said.“I just can’t get completely taken up by it.”

Where are the answers?

Katrinell Davis knows firsthand how hard a time a graduate student parent can have. Davis, who is working on her dissertation,is the mother of two boys and is also raising her brother.She said she was talking to a dean one day when it hit her that the university needed a needs assessment to find out how graduate student parents were really being supported.

“One of the issues is that nobody knows what’s going on,what resources are available to them,” she said. So she launched the Graduate Student Parent Project survey and expects to haveresults in late Januaryand early February. “I’m just basically trying to find out the degree to which the university resources help them balance family and work,” she said.

Berkeley or bust?

Branessa Kunitz, a 34-year-old mother of four children, was so disappointed in the lack of resources available that when the time came to do her master’s in higher education leadership, she turned elsewhere. She knew that she’d get in at Berkeley or Columbia or Stanford,but it was Sacramento State that she eventually chose. She finished up her masters in Higher Education Leadership in February.

“Parenting responsibilities played into those choices clearly,” she said. With her children at home,and a fiancé who was also getting his master’s,Kunitz knew she didn’t want to go nuts. “I already knew Berkeley will be demanding,” she said.

And Berkeley, like other universities,demanded full-time study.Kunitz,whose fianceé is also studying, just couldn’t afford it. So even though Kunitz, who got straight A’s as an undergrad, wasn’t happy about going to a lower-ranked institution,she made a decision. “It wasn’t feasible to go full time,” she said. “I had to be able to work.”

Olmstead can compare her graduate school parenting experiences at two schools, and says she found Iowa State a much more flexible place. She was pregnant when she was working as a researcher; when Brody was born, her advisor gave her four months off at full pay.

Who’s watching the children?

Once the commitment to graduate education has been made,one of the most important issues for any student parent is finding childcare. UC Berkeley’s Early Childhood Education Program takes in the 3-months to 7-year-old children of faculty,staff and students.Notice that students are last on the list.That’s because faculty and staff have priority.

Fees are based on a sliding scale for student families, from zero to $1000 per month for full time care,but even the full-fee program is in demand. “We have a lot of applications,” said Marina Moreida,an administrator who works with student families at the university’s daycare.“We do get a lot more than what we can serve.”

She estimates that around 180 student parents have children in the program. “We were really lucky,” said Olmstead, who son has a subsidized slot at the daycare.“One good thing about us both being students is that we’re totally broke,” she added,laughing. But her son, 2-and-a-half-year old Brody,spends more time in childcare than Olmstead would like. “He’s there nine to five, which is a huge amount of time,” she said.“I miss him.I feel like I don’t spend nearly as much time with him as I want to.”

Schwenkler doesn’t pay for childcare because his wife,who is a PhD candidate in philosophy at Notre Dame,stays home with their son.But that,too,comes at a cost.“You either pay for child care or you’re not able to work,” he said.And childcare can cost easily up to $15,000 in the Bay Area, one of the nation’s most expensive places to live.

Advice column

When I asked Schwenkler what he would tell parents thinking about starting graduate school at Berkeley, he paused.

“I wouldn’t just say don’t do it,” he said.“Be aware that most people on a program will be single or won’t have children.You need to be assertive,confident,and make a way to make it work for you.It’s been a real challenge.” He added,“You have to be part of the department as a parent.’’

Schwenkler has a fellowship that helps make ends meet. He said he’d tell parents to concentrate on finding money so at least they don’t have to worry about that. “Do the work to find out where you can get money to help you out,” he said.

Kunitz said that although she liked Berkeley,she tells other parents to think about less intense programs. “I tell them that there are other alternatives out there,” she said.

She admits that she felt awkward going to Sacramento State at first.But now she’s in the job market,she realized that it wasn’t as important as she had thought. People think a lower-ranked school is a “cop out,” Kunitz said.But she hasn’t seen any difference. ”It has not had any negative impact whatsoever.”

A balancing act

Every parent struggles with how to find a balance,but it’s a hard fight,especially in an environment where everyone expects academics to come first. The time a graduate student parent devotes to their studies is inevitably time away from their children. And time with the kids means less time to read,write and research. That’s why Davis thinks her needs assessment is so important,and not just so that she can crunch the numbers. “It’s a political effort as well,” she added.“It’s also about advocating for changes.”

“I don’t always want to be making excuses,” said Olmstead. “I’m always confused about my own priorities.I want to give it everything I can but I want to be with Brody. I’m not giving either enough.”

Kunitz understands about guilt,but she feels that in the long run, it is good for a child to see their parent succeeding in education. “As a parent, you feel guilty. ‘I can’t do this, I have to write a paper,” she said. But Kunitz,who is the first in her family to go to college, says setting an example is important,too.“I can see the impact on them already,” said Kunitz.“I got to prove to them that education pays.”

For Schwenkler, it’s clear. “Look,this is my life,this is my family,” he said. “My family comes first.”

And now I have to go play with train tracks.